When he proposed to her she first came to me to check if he had my blessing. Mrs. Tanveer was 39 years old lady. Mrs. Tanveer was though accepted her husband's second wife but she told, when my husband got married to the second wife this sharing was indeed hurting for me. Mrs. Imam was 58 years old working lady living with her 2 children and a relationship with her co-wife. She does not have an apartment . I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. All interviews were audio-taped, transcribed verbatim, and were then analyzed by interpretive phenomenological analysis. The historic context was that men often died in battle . I would also like to add that polygamy is not a staple in Islamic culture, nor is it a tradition. Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. They also threatened her with divorce. Every possibility seems available to them. In rare cases, men have carried on double lives, marrying two women and supporting two families, with neither wife knowing about the other. Eva wasn't happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. But thats not how it works out for everyone. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. Over breakfast her husband told her something that would make any woman choke on her toast: he wanted to take a second wife. Gabe and I interact regularly with our exes and their new spouses, former in-laws, and current in-laws. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. The applicant argued that the second woman's marriage was invalid because she, the first wife, had not consented to it: a notion upheld by the North Gauteng High Court. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). When people. Initially, uBaba wanted me to stop working and look after the business as well but my calling is nursing, says a shy Thembi, 52, as she finally joins the conversation. She told that My in-laws had not good relationships with the first wife of my husband. I never expected to be a second wife. Her relationship with her co-wife was perceived to be sisterly. Eleven women participated in the study. According to Mrs. Abdullah (3rd wife: Amina), she and other wives are living in the same home and got along well. She was the first wife of her husband and it was a happy arranged marriage. Rossi P. Strategic choices in polygamous households: Theory and evidence from Senegal. Its not like I wasnt married before, too. Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. We have an ordinary life. Women need to be empowered with education and positive affirmation of self-worth. Cross-Cultural Research. Should second wives post billboards proclaiming that we are not necessarily women who flounce through life wearing ankle bracelets, feather boas, and alligator shoes? It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. 2006;52(1); 5-17. I couldn't sleep properly, I was crying.'. In some Middle Eastern countries, polygamy is regulated and the second, third or fourth wife, has legal rights. You know, its so sad because the new wives are also being treated horribly by my father but theyre too proud to talk to my mother because of the way they mistreated her.. 6. Maybe it was because I didnt have anyone in mind when I approached her I wasnt cheating on my wife, Id never do that.. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Later on, she came to know her husband has married her with the support of his family for a male child. The study is not against polygamy but the need to improve the family structure of polygamous families is a major concern. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. Exploring the mediation effects of anger rumination and willingness to forgive on the association between self-compassion and romantic jealousy. Mrs. Gulzar was another first/senior wife having three daughters. But the . In the beginning, females refused to share their partners but with time they accept it. Objectives: The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. Her ex-husband died. The positive side of the study is to explore the advantages and strategies used by polygamous women were very significant. As she had a new born she told when she was admitted to the hospital 1st wife of her husband prepared and brought food for her from the home. Jul 20, 2016, 1:53 AM. And reassure her of your love. They found his second wife together a woman who was a regular on one of his taxi routes. Gabe and I won't have that. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. She stated, When I allowed my husband to marry a second wife, then God blessed me to have a child (translated from Urdu to English). Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. Mormon women fear eternal polygamy, study shows. Even if children are more or less accepting, the ex more than likely wont be ok with the new person in their childs life. Table 3: Frequency of co-wives for religion faith, admit the fate role, and compromise as coping strategies in polygamous marriages (N=11). Mrs. Mustafa was another 1st wife. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? The purpose of this study is to investigate married womens experiences in polygamous marriages and their ways of coping to accept this relationship. Minor clashes are part of life to her. But over the years, as we get in our 30s and 40s, we mature and realize that life just happens, no matter if you plan for other things. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. Concept of one soulmate for everyone is flawed anyway. Results: Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. The findings were consistent may be due to cultural and religious resemblance because Al-Krenawi and his colleagues conducted their study in Arab states. Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. Thobejane TD, Flora T. An exploration of polygamous marriages: A worldview. disadvantages of being a second wife islamirina emelyanova pasternak 26th February 2023 / in coastal carolina football camp 2022 / by / in coastal carolina football camp 2022 / by This can make for a challenging home life from day to day. Not many people like a second wife. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Instead it is the familiar routine of waking to an arm around your waist, the companionable bathroom talk with mouths full of toothpaste, and the idea that someone will know if you dont make it home at night. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad could never keep a job, so she supported us. 70% of those second marriages end in divorce. 2010;57(1): 121-127. After the wedding they all moved into a bigger house with cottages at the back for the children. But Ron and I had already endured hardship . Lower risk that people get bored in a marriage. They know what they want and work hard they dont just take the mans words as the Bible.. Policy-makers should be made aware of the implications of polygamous marriages on womens health and well-being. Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didnt quite open, he is nevertheless willing to do it again and at an even greater risk-- everyone knows second marriages are risky. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Psychosocial and familial functioning of children from polygynous and monogamous families. An in-depth interview technique was used with probing questions to get the perception from polygamous women about their life experiences, reasons behind polygamous marriage, and what strategies were used by co-wives to deal with such relationships. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. Jealousy: Jealousy is a common response to protect ones relationship [14]. What's popular and why. Archives of Women's Mental Health. He killed her when I was nine years old and he was arrested. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. In a previous study by the perceived advantages of polygyny included sharing house chores and child-rearing similarly in the present study most of the polygamous women were reported particularly the infertile women helped the co-wives to bring up their children as well as daily household activities. Mrs. Amir was the 2nd wife and also had no children her husband married her for children and his family again forced him for 3rd wife by giving the reference of the religious doctrine. A Muslim convert says that being a second wife provides her. 1.Why your spouse (husband) preferred 2nd or 3rd marriage? During my final two years in my first marriage, I was constantly telling my friends how I wanted to make my relationship work. She stated, I allowed a co-wife in my marriage because I was not able to have more children after my second child. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. Lower incentive to cheat in a marriage. , each person taking on whatever debt there is, plus paying attorney fees, etc. You can cancel anytime and if you cancel within 14 days you won't be billed. She also never tried to snatch her husband from the previous co-wives as she said in her religion the Holy Book says A man can marry women of his choice two or three or four, but there must be justice and equality otherwise only one is enough". Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? International Nursing Review. So why is the phrase second wife so unnerving? And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. 2014; 8-10. Accepting being a second wife can be challenging for those who are considering polygamy. Following subthemes were included in these main theme categories. According to Ali Kurbanov, a 27-year-old practicing Muslim who is also looking for a second wife, it is difficult for a woman to agree to her husband's second marriage, however, if a woman. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Mrs. Gulzar said "I had no option other than to make a compromise and accept co-wife because of my female kids. The average duration of polygamy was about 11 years so most of the co-wives had been accepted co-wives and engaged themselves in several activities and got comfort considering it fate role, religious permission, and compromise for the sake of their children's future rather than divorce. Islam allows men to marry up to four wives at one time but the condition is to maintain equality and Justice in all the possession whatever a man holds in material means [1]. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. Unless of great importance or a family-related event, we rarely attended the same social event together with our husband.. Source: Sunan Sad ibn Manr 633, Grade: Sahih. He proposed for marriage to me as a second wife. Her in-laws forced her husband to marry another female because of only female children. She also stated that "whenever I am depressed, I am used to saying my prayers and get relief because divorce is not an option for me." I know in some families the children of the first wife have some sort of higher status, but this is my home and I dont want to raise my children like that, Thamsanqa says. Mrs. Gulzar who was 36 years first wife told as she came to know her husband has a hidden marriage with Miss Nasreen. Women also support their men for polygamy if they are facing infertility to secure their marriage instead of divorce [4]. These are jealousy, poor marital satisfaction, unhealthy competition, lack of trust, and many other mental health problems [12]. A nurse brought me this far she took me into her arms and her home and decided she would be my mother. Table 1: Frequency of co-wives for infertility, only female children, love marriage and family pressure as reasons of polygamous marriages (n=11). Bigamy occurs when one man illegally marries more than one woman. She told her a tragic story. In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1). Al-Sharfi M, Pfeffer K, Miller KA. Invest in the future today. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". When men are taken out of the marriage market by war or by prison, women suffer. After 11 years passed when she had not conceived her in-laws forced her husband for co-wife. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Not the wives of college friends, not old relatives who can't remember new names but who remember that they shelled out good money for a fancy gift the first time around, and especially not the original wife, who thinks of herself as the bona fide wife. Journal of Family Studies. Makes sense if there is no balance between males and females in a region. For the majority of these women, infertility, love marriage by husband, lack of social and financial support, and fear of divorce were the cited reasons for allowing co-wives in their marriage. Second theme: outcomes of polygamy as jealousy, unhappiness, and loneliness due to injustice, by the spouse were explored as potential pitfalls of polygamy. They are sister wives, which means they have a friendship as well. Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. This prompted one Javed to petition the Supreme Court that since Muslim. You constantly feel that your partner knowingly or unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs. He dearly loved his wife, Mary Ann Angell. If the wives have any conflict they first need to try to resolve it among themselves, says historian and cultural expert Professor Jabulani Maphalala. The Journal of Social Psychology. She almost lost her life I couldnt bear the thought of losing her. He kisses the back of Lillians hand as he talks. Social Change. It's a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. Dealing with your partner's baggage. My first marriage--even though it lasted five years--did not. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Success and failure among polygamous families: The experience of wives, husbands, and children. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. For Lillian Makhubalo* it was like a blow to the heart. Mrs. Ahmad was a second wife and it was a love marriage. She should approach him first and address the issue, Maphalala suggests. And another wife Mrs. Kamal reported," in the beginning when I thought about the second wife I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurts me." But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . A lady was working in front of her husbands' clinic and usually visited the clinic. Mediterranean Journal of Social Sciences. Both verbal and written consent was obtained. Women experienced various degrees of emotional difficulties including jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness, and lack of intimacy with their spouses. | "We injoi it and feele to prase the Lord." Both babies were through cesarean. The newlyweds moved to Soweto where they started a family after Nomqondiso died. "If it's mostly. She said, "1st wife of my husband is working so 2nd wife of my husband and I used to manage the household chores. Lillian takes care of the children and is responsible for the admin of the taxi business, and Thembi still works as a nurse. Barber N. Explaining cross-national differences in polygyny intensity: Resource-defense, sex ratio, and infectious diseases. like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. Jealousy is something almost everyone is afflicted with at some point and just because someone chose to be in a polygamous marriage doesn't mean they deserve less sympathy than anyone else. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. But here I am, married to a man who was married before. PostedNovember 5, 2012 Khattak AK. Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. The Review of Economic Studies. Rehman J. composed of two imperfect people. Yet there are many other cultures that support a mans choice to take more than one wife and believe it is something that can benefit the women as well. Polygamy is a practice in which a person is married to more than one person at the same time, most commonly a man to several wives. Saravanan S. Female infanticide in India: A review of the literature. She said, 2nd wife of my husband also helps me in daily households activities. Thus, two things relating to marriage have affected the overall percentage of the population who find polygamy acceptable: more unmarried people in the population, and the fact that these. Confidentiality of the data was ensured to all the participants. 2014. Jankowiak W, Sudakov M, Wilreker BC. Community awareness of the effects of polygamy on women through media campaigns is a beginning step. 'I don't care about anything. She told, It was very shocking and tragic for me to have another female in my husband's life". She stated out of sight, out of mind, She preferred the living arrangement. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. After those three days I regretted everything and I blamed myself for her heartache, he says. Note that I said "freely" - emotionally guilt tripping women, threatening them with divorce or withholding custody of their children from them, and other such nefarious tactics to pressure women into 'accepting polygamy' are not equivalent to consent without coercion. Relationships come and go, and thats to be expected. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? But Thembi* (the second wife) shocked our husband and decided to stay in the main house with Thamsanqa. They each have their separate rooms, and their husband alternates time spent between them equally. She was living with her husband first 10 years of her marriage. That kind of baggage can be detrimental to a second marriage and undermine any benefits of being the second wife. But it's a hoax that has hit at least four countries to date . The appropriate strategies which are purposefully working by co-wives must be enhanced with proper education and implement programmers that teach coping mechanisms and stress management. She said that time was very painful for me and my little daughters. Go figure. mortality is outrageously high and t Miss Nadia was the 2nd wife of Mr. Imam. They adhere to the rules that all three of us set for them, like normal children. Zakhele walks in with his youngest brother, Thembekile*, 2, in his arms. Though she faced a lot of criticism from the first wife. One of the misconceptions about being someone's second wife is that you'll have no choice but to have a low-key courthouse wedding with minimal fanfare, and that the ghosts of weddings past will linger. The real term for that arrangement is polygyny, "the practice or condition of having more than one wife at one time." Poly was defined above, and -gyny probably looks familar, from words like misogyny and gynecology: it's the Greek gyne, "woman." Thereafter you will be billed R75 per month. Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. Avoiding adultery According to WorldCat, 99 percent of polygamous married men use this reason as justification for their undertakings. Polygamy has become common practice in many communities including Pakistan. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. There are many stereotypes associated with being a second wife. Most Muslims do not practice polygamy. Polygyny, the marriage of a man and two or more women at the same time, includes an analogous sororal . A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. While in many cites it has been claimed that if a man is unable to maintain justice and equality to treat all the wives then the above verse is interpreted as in favour of monogamy [2]. Consent i s the keyword. His first marriage counted. Many young women might regard being a second wife better than remaining single. She was divorced from her second husband because of infertility and the first time her husband died of an illness. But after few months it was disclosed. "I'm in a traditionalist polygamist relationship. Mrs. Mustafa said, she approved and permitted her husband to 2nd marriage. In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Ibn Qudamah writes: He's not a wealthy man, he has another family and I accepted that.'. These themes emerged in 3 main themes as Causes of polygamy, outcomes of polygamy, and coping strategies of polygamous women. The design was flexible and consent was taken for an in-depth interview. I am the grown-up woman he married as a grown-up man. It is an option. Many people think bigamy and polygamy mean the same thing . While Pakistan being an Islamic state where religion allows polygamy, the more typical reasons have been observed in the current study by multiple co-wives such as infertility, a woman being a mother only by female children, love marriage, or family pressure with the reference of religious doctrine. Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. That does not negate their significance to you and your partner (s), but the union will not be recognized by the law. Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She described that she was completely alone with her daughters after her husband's second marriage. In many societies the concept of polygamy is frowned upon because it goes against the Western idea of loving, honouring and obeying one person until death do you part. The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. Shes a nurse, not one of those rude ones, and she was kind and very helpful. Hence, before you embark on your marital journey, you must understand the second marriage problems and how to handle them. Then there are the kids. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. 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"This evening I am with my wife a lone by my fire side for the first time for years," Young wrote in his diary in January 1842. Dont be too quick to bash him, Lillian advises other women in her position. They dream big. She told when her husband introduced her to the other co-wives, in the beginning, they both cursed me but later they made a compromise and accepted her. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. She was a nurse and divorce. A sample of 11 polygamous women was included through snowball sampling from the different cities of the province of Punjab, Pakistan with an age range of 18-50 years. She has never absolved me from the sin of being happy. I live in a rented flat and pay half the rent. After her husbands second marriage she said, I moved to a separate household, to me, it works best because I dont have to see her (co-wife) come into the house to visit my husband. 2006; 35(1), 46-61. The first theme was generated from the verbatim of the first question which was asked to polygamous women.
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